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Tuesday, January 13, 2015



http://www.usmagazine.com/entertainment/news/the-bachelor-season-19-episode-2-recap-zombie-paintball-and-tractor--2015121 

...and here we go!
  • Kimberly... again, ill-fitting dress. But you're pretty ballsy. I dig the comeback.
  • HA, love all the girls sitting hunched on the floor, like cheerleading tryouts or something.
  • Oh man, Whitney's voice... can we get some voiceover action there? She's a frontrunner for me, but I hate the baby voice (as if you didn't know).
  • I love how Soules keeps seeking permission from Harrison on everything.
  • Awww, he brought her back. This won't earn her brownie points with the crew.
  • Kelsey, it's really not that awkward... y'all have only been hanging out for what? Six hours? I liked her initially, but I think she's going to shape up to be a PITA.
  • Ashley, there aren't any rules. Obviously he should make his own decisions. Chill out.
  • Are chicken fights mandated for each season? Lame.
  • These previews make me crazy uncomfortable.
  • I want this Onion chick gone... the drama she offers isn't worth the creep factor.
  • Digging that pink linen shirt, hombre.
  • ...but not the half-zipped hoodie. You're still from Iowa.
  • I love the mix of "just woke up" and pageant makeup.
  • Gah, you know half of them will traipse on down and knock on his door.
  • "There are no rules here." Translation? MAKE THIS AS CRAZY AS YOU CAN.
  • Britt's already crying. Pull it together, girl.
  • OMG someone almost fell. YES.
  • NAILED it, Kardashleyian--you're so very Kardashian. Down to the lash extensions and nasally monotone.
  • Kimberly looks pretty.
  • Did Tara really have time to sleep off all that booze?
  • Whoaaaaa, belly chain.
  • "I've never been on a date with five other girls." Uhhhh, yeah, that's called normal life.
  • What's happening with her swimsuit bottoms? Fix your bits, girl.
  • Gah... Megan. Sweetheart, pull it together. "I'm losing brain cells." ...you're playing with a short stack anyway, dollface.
  • GASP! "Tractors!" No one is that excited about racing tractors.
  • Kardashleyian, the hoop earrings need to go.
  • Ahhhh, Juelia is a mom!
  • What a sad situation.
  • Samantha... kinda don't remember you at all.
  • Sitting on a dude's lap, on a tractor, donning a bikini, in the middle of a downtown LA street... seems normal.
  • Those earrings could double as coasters, Mac.
  • I love how dumbfounded all the other girls are that he chose her.
  • And now they're all trying to justify his choice. Hahahaha.
  • (pee break)
  • Mackenzie likes big noses and might believe in aliens. K, I'm tuned back in.
  • She seems so, so, so very young.
  • "His name is Kale..." Ouch. Well, at least that's out of the bag.
  • She instantly switched gears when she started talking about her little boy... which is sweet. But... she is 21.
  • I kinda feel like he can't be denying roses on one-on-ones this early in the game.
  • Ahhhh, kiss #2 (I'm going to do my best to keep track).
  • Yes, it means a date, you idiot. I can't with this girl.
  • "I absolutely 100% feel like I am head-over-heels for Chris." Like... no. No. (Sidenote: I genuinely wonder how much time has gone by since they all got corralled).
  • Don't kiss and tell, Mac. Not going to end well.
  • Trina... looking like a "teacher."
  • It's a good thing Megan is so pretty.
  • "The butterflies in my stomach are colorful and smiling..." Huh?
  • Super cool date.
  • Do you think the producers/writers solely plan these dates? Or does the Bachelor(ette) have any say at all, do you think?
  • Wow... so many of these girls have major sob stories.
  • Her whispering is kind of annoying.
  • All the screaming is insane. 
  • GET IT, BRITT.
  • Onion girl is just all kinds of ridiculous. Sit her on the bench, Coach.
  • Chris knows how to handle a gun.
  • This girl is totally on drugs.
  • Becca is so pretty!
  • What's going on with Jordan?
  • She is going to fall and die.
  • Jillian chews with her mouth open. Nastiest thing ever.
  • Oh wait--was she blurred out because she's fuzzy? Oh man. National television.
  • I bet the girls who were kicked off last week are so pissed watching this... although obviously "last week" to me isn't their last week, as far as the show goes.
  • Kaitlin has him intrigued. They have some kind of chemistry.
  • He's totally about to kiss her.
  • YEP. NAILED IT. What is that? #3?
  • These girls trying to make sense of what the hell Onion face is saying is all kinds of crazy.
  • Kiss on the cheek. That counts! #4.
  • Please send her home. What is she on?!
  • "What's your biggest fear?" Uhhh, you're top o' the list, sister.
  • Chris, you're far too nice. Call it like it is.
  • "Your leather smells really great." Stellar.
  • "You don't want to lose the whole world... but actually, you don't want to gain the whole world. You don't want to lose your soul." I literally cannot type as fast as she is rattling off this insane BS.
  • Yayyyy, Britt saves the day! 
  • But not digging the Converse.
  • "Holy schnikeys" Hahaha. Precisely, Chris. Precisely.
  • Awww, a gift for Britt!! This is adorable.
  • I guess #5? Although they've already kissed... but how cute is that premeditation?
  • Kaitlin with the rose... ah whatever, Britt, you know you're still in his top picks.
  • Tandra is a cutie... seems normal. Which is an obvious perk in this crew.
  • Kelsey has a Catherine Giudici thing about her.
  • Whitney looks awesome... love that red dress and gold pump combo.
  • Ooooh, crafty with your little fireside picnic.
  • How much of a trip must it be for this poor dude--going back and forth between trying to decipher crazy babble and then sharing super heartfelt moments with genuine girls?
  • "No, he WILL like it. Guys like taking your virginity." Great observation, Mac Attack.
  • And stop talking about how jealous you are of her... that's super awkward.
  • She is stumbling alllll over the place.
  • Oh my gosh.... stop playing with your bellybutton.
  • Of course he's going to kiss her. 
  • Oh wowwww. Has she ever kissed someone before? Yikes.
  • What is that? #6?
  • Is the porn music necessary?
  • She looks so damn proud of herself. 
  • Britt, sweetie. That makes me sad.
  • This Alissa chick has huge, baby doll eyes.
  • "Can I kiss you?" Girl, you're way behind... Amber--lucky #7!
  • Jordan! Drunk again!
  • Yes.... Trina with the first "Bless her heart."
  • It's a shame she's so inebriated... she's a really pretty girl.
  • Gah, he's so uncomfortable.
  • His nervous laughing is a surefire sign that he does not want to kiss you, sweets.
  • Harrison with the ding of death!
  • Kardashleyian is rocking that I Dream of Genie getup.
  • Yay, Britt. 1 for 1 for my favs.
  • Tara seemed to hold it together this week... and now she's melting down.
  • Kardashleyian gets one. Yeeks.
  • Kelsey. 2 for 2.
  • I want to see more of Samantha... she totally would fit in with the Real Housewives up north.
  • Ohhhhhh man. Ohhhhhhhhh man, Jillian. Ohhhhhhh man. I am dying.
  • Homegirl is praying she gets a rose now.
  • Tracy... I like her. Haven't seen much of her. 
  • There we go, Jillian. Redeemed yourself somewhat.
  • Jade is cute... and walking gingerly.
  • Becca! 3 for 3.
  • Carly's brows are a little busted.
  • Whitney, 4 for 4.
  • Tara's melting down already.
  • LAST ONE...
  • What in the hell? What?
  • Poor Kimberly... second rejection.
  • You know ABC has to dictate who stays to some extent... why the hell would he keep that nutjob??
  • Gah... gotta be heartbreaking to be bawling through your rejection and hear all the chosen ones cheering behind you.
  • HA... the Jimmy Kimmel thing is hilarious.


What was your favorite meltdown of tonight?? So many to choose from!

...until next week!

1 comment:

  1. This recap is amazing. That bikini picture makes me cringe at it's awkwardness. Also, how does Mackenzie have such a flat stomach with a 1 year old? Ughhh

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